Step One
I feel this sudden urge
to talk
I use to pretend I was a friend
But I only use to stalk
You at a distance with such persistence
That when you said you knew me best
I knew you were true you knew me best
And life was not a contest
This I painfully must confess
Lately I would take a walk
Do you recall how my heart
Was sealed with caulk
Then upon a raging wave
You road with sounds unheard designed to save
You convinced me to cast all my cares
We’d share our sorrows and deepest fears
Some time with a book about the journey
Bringing back my heart to cheer
Often at the pier with eyes full of tears
How many things you’ve said to me
About the Spring that renews naturally
About how I am one with creation
And you will be the creator
I with you would co-create
This is how you always seem to relate
You with me, and me with you
Arguing that we are one and not the two
You took me away from all
Some how you forsaw the fall
Every step you knew
Every wind you blew
My rag-tag skiff toward you
Though the water was coming in
Massive holes such grievious sins
But your signal kept coming through
Some how I always knew it was you
Step two
I am here alone
But you know I am never alone
So why do I fear you
Why do I resist to be near you
What is this skeletal cage
That I should feel its rage
That bites like an unseen bug
Formerly I soothed it with those drugs
So here I spit and sputter it out
All this recalling of my journey of doubt
I doubt that this world is for real
I doubt the feelings that I feel
In a system wired for insanity
My own I am the last one to know
Some tried to tell me of my madness
I only saw it as a hint of their unsadness
I doubted that it all means what it seems
I bought into the lie of my fear that I would die
If I just believe to doubt in those who only shout
In whispers in my ears stoking the fire of my fears
Step two continues on
Like someone who cannot end this song
Long after the focus is gone
Life like a train wreck lumbers on
So pain became my awakening
This is why this song I must sing
For ever to you
Even though I know you sing too
More precisely you sing through me
Better yet I sing through you
Step Three
You ran on the river walk
I followed you ‘cos I needed to talk
Images came running too
I was not alone when I followed you
I relived all that I had been through
In places that I find hard to chew
I want to spit but you say swallow
I say I am full but you say I am hollow
Arguing is not my language
Silence is the seal for my anguish
But there is no silence when
It is I who is running after you again
Never are you far from me
You tell me it is with my eyes you see
I tell you that for you to abide
I would no longer be able to hide
So this doubt of my invisibility widens
The cloudy day has begun to brighten
How often have I kept you awake
How many prayers did it take
On my behalf for me to break
The covenant I make with pain
That It would dress up as my greatest friend
But now it lies there naked and exposed
You know me best we both know
If I took the time to talk
Got off the telly and celly
And let us just walk
Where ever the conversation took us
Would we be okay if nothing ever shook us
Would I go through withdrawals with new found peace
Go back into the scenes were I ended up on my knees
Given space to wander
Given place to ponder
The horrible madness that used me
Knowing that I was not the cause or the effect
Knowing that I was wounded, flawed no less
Breathing now a sigh of release
Giving no excuse only attentive awareness
I am thrilled to be killed by love’s shyness
Not to intrude but always stalking me
When I thought stalking made me guilty
But this is a crime that I will commit
To know that upon a throne I do sit
And though I do not always make sense of it
I will not despise the logic
Of my being called to front and center on this project
Universal acceptance without a fear
Knowing that it is patience to enjoy being here
And every sensation is tantamount to your caress
You always did know that you know me best
Raphael Smith, April 10, 2008
