Following Steps

Step One

 I feel this sudden urge to talk

I use to pretend I was a friend

But I only use to stalk

You at a distance with such persistence

That when you said you knew me best

I knew you were true you knew me best

And life was not a contest

This I painfully must confess

Lately I would take a walk

Do you recall how my heart

Was sealed with caulk

Then upon a raging wave

You road with sounds unheard designed to save

You convinced me to cast all my cares

We’d share our sorrows and deepest fears

Some time with a book about the journey

Bringing back my heart to cheer

Often at the pier with eyes full of tears

How many things you’ve said to me

About the Spring that renews naturally

About how I am one with creation

And you will be the creator

I with you would co-create

This is how you always seem to relate

You with me, and me with you

Arguing that we are one and not the two

You took me away from all

Some how you forsaw the fall

Every step you knew

Every wind you blew

My rag-tag skiff toward you

Though the water was coming in

Massive holes such grievious sins

But your signal kept coming through

Some how I always knew it was you

Step two

I am here alone

But you know I am never alone

So why do I fear you

Why do I resist to be near you

What is this skeletal cage

That I should feel its rage

That bites like an unseen bug

Formerly I soothed it with those drugs

So here I spit and sputter it out

All this recalling of my journey of doubt

I doubt that this world is for real

I doubt the feelings that I feel

In a system wired for insanity

My own I am the last one to know

Some tried to tell me of my madness

I only saw it as a hint of their unsadness

I doubted that it all means what it seems

I bought into the lie of my fear that I would die

If I just believe to doubt in those who only shout

In whispers in my ears stoking the fire of my fears

Step two continues on

Like someone who cannot end this song

Long after the focus is gone

Life like a train wreck lumbers on

So pain became my awakening

This is why this song I must sing

For ever to you

Even though I know you sing too

More precisely you sing through me

Better yet I sing through you

Step Three

You ran on the river walk

I followed you ‘cos I needed to talk

Images came running too

I was not alone when I followed you

I relived all that I had been through

In places that I find hard to chew

I want to spit but you say swallow

I say I am full but you say I am hollow

Arguing is not my language

Silence is the seal for my anguish

But there is no silence when

It is I who is running after you again

Never are you far from me

You tell me it is with my eyes you see

I tell you that for you to abide

I would no longer be able to hide

So this doubt of my invisibility widens

The cloudy day has begun to brighten

How often have I kept you awake

How many prayers did it take

On my behalf for me to break

The covenant I make with pain

That It would dress up as my greatest friend

But now it lies there naked and exposed

You know me best we both know

If I took the time to talk

Got off the telly and celly

And let us just walk

Where ever the conversation took us

Would we be okay if nothing ever shook us

Would I go through withdrawals with new found peace

Go back into the scenes were I ended up on my knees

Given space to wander

Given place to ponder

The horrible madness that used me

Knowing that I was not the cause or the effect

Knowing that I was wounded, flawed no less

Breathing now a sigh of release

Giving no excuse only attentive awareness

I am thrilled to be killed by love’s shyness

Not to intrude but always stalking me

When I thought stalking made me guilty

But this is a crime that I will commit

To know that upon a throne I do sit

And though I do not always make sense of it

I will not despise the logic

Of my being called to front and center on this project

Universal acceptance without a fear

Knowing that it is patience to enjoy being here

And every sensation is tantamount to your caress

You always did know that you know me best

Raphael Smith, April 10, 2008